EVERYTHING I KNOW ABOUT
THE DALAI LAMA
the
dalai lama is a high priest in the gelug or 'yellow hat' branch of tibetan
buddhism
the
dalai lama sometimes accidentally refers to this as 'big hat buddhism'
the
dalai lama likes to repair watches in his spare time
the
dalai lama once wrote a rap song in which the only lyrics were 'i have 30x more
twitter followers than eckhart tolle' and 'lama lama lama lama lama lama'
the dalai lama is bald
the
dalai lama has several undiagnosed personality disorders
the
dalai lama steals ~3 grapes every time he goes to whole foods
the
dalai lama is addicted to MDMA, LSD and DT
the
dalai lama has never told a knock-knock joke
the
dalai lama is severely allergic to fabric softener
the
dalai lama's google search history includes: 'what are bath salts', 'watch
breaking bad online' and 'rick ross'
the
dalai lama has seen all 4 shrek movies
the
dalai lama has a foot fetish
the
dalai lama doesn't know who kanye west is
the
dalai lama has ignored 5 phone calls from his mother this week
the
dalai lama openly 'shit talked' oprah during an interview with the new york
times in 2010
the
dalai lama sometimes listens to audio recordings of people chewing on carrots
the
dalai lama has never had a sunburn
the
dalai lama once licked a cactus because he thought it was fuzzy
the
dalai lama doesn't know how to check his email
the
dalai lama believes that france
does not actually exist, and that what most people believe to be 'france' is actually eastern spain
the
dalai lama claims to have seen the loch ness monster
the
dalai lama is terrified of dogs
the
dalai lama once earned 60% on an online trivia quiz about his own life
the dalai lama is
physically incapable of winking
***
TODAY MY ALARM WENT OFF AT
12:30PM
I stayed in bed for over
an hour
looked at things on my
phone
I felt slightly anxious
about nothing particular
I walked downstairs and
poured coffee into a jar
I asked a person on the
internet if I should take drugs
I took drugs before the
person had time to respond
I feel alienated by people
who express concern about me without
defining their concern in
terms of a specific solution or goal
I dont feel comforted by
the idea of an afterlife
I dont want to continue
experiencing things after I die
I want someone to pull my
hair because I like the idea of someone
controlling my head
without touching my head
what is the difference
between being an independent person
and
being a person who is accepting of loneliness
***
TODAY I DROVE TO A HOUSE
AND TOOK CARE OF A BABY
I walked the baby to a
park
she crawled and waddled
around the grass
she picked some flowers
and tried to put them in her mouth
she threw slices of bread
at birds
I said 'try tearing it
into smaller pieces'
she gestured for me to
pick her up
while I held her, she put
her hand on my right tit
I said 'I cant nurse you,
I dont have any milk'
she looked confused then
fell asleep immediately
she didn't wake up when I
put her in the crib
I turned on the baby
monitor and looked at my face
in a mirror I noticed
something asymmetrical about my mouth
I wanted to cover my
entire body with the world's heaviest blanket
